Welcome to the first actual Football Daily Christmas Awards. This is the bit the place, in our previous guise, we might bang on about turning into so jaded that we might misplaced rely of what number of years we would been churning out this previous tat. Hmm, impulsively, the penny’s starting to drop. So OK, right here we’re, refreshed and in a position to head! Pour your self a pint of wine, throw your boots up at the table, decompress, de-depress, and sing alongside: ♫♪ It seems like the primary time, it seems like the first actual time… ♫♪♫
THE FIVER AWARD FOR DISTINCTIVE EXIT
Poor previous Luka Modric. A participant of such balletic cosmetic and beauty, he may just infrequently were extra chic had he tiptoed directly to the pitch down a sweeping staircase in most sensible hat and tails. An esthete’s dream. His very closing motion in a World Cup fit that in point of fact issues? To punt the ball directly on the within sight Alexis Mac Allister, and for it to return directly again up and into his startled face. A slapstick masterclass, and upon being in an instant substituted it is simply as smartly everybody within the stadium gave the Astaire of the Adriatic the status ovation he deserved.
THE WIMBLEDON 88 AWARD FOR PROGRESSIVE TACTICAL THINKING
We were given what we were given, even though in fact the actual fairytale finishing to Qatar 2022 would were the Netherlands in spite of everything successful a World Cup, albeit most effective with the emblem of general duration that almost did for Argentina within the quarters. Imagine the beatific glance of general e pleasure at the face {of professional} contrarian Louis van Gaal had all of it panned out! Imagine the response of general ebeleding on Johan Cruyff’s affronted grid as he seemed down from above! Fair’s truthful, give St Johan a few mins, and he’d undoubtedly have come spherical to the entire intentionally provocative anti-beauty.
THE NETHERLANDS 74-22 AWARD FOR CONTRARY TACTICAL THINKING
…however Louis is a qualified contrarian, and Dutch in addition. So regardless of coming again to Argentina with ways that had been extra Reep than Rep, he could not prevent himself playing-calling probably the most outrageous training-ground free-kick regimen of all time. Totale loose lure! It used to be performed completely via Koopmeiners and Weghorst, the assist-scorer stat of 2022 that the majority sounds both like a high-end division retailer in Rotterdam, a Groningen chocolaterie, or a Brel-influenced torch duo signed to the Philips label in 1968. No 1 with a general kogel,
THE BEATLES AWARD FOR WANTING TO HOLD YOUR HAND (AND WHEN YOU TOUCH ME I FEEL HAPPY INSIDE)
Antonio Conte is 5ft 8in. Thomas Tuchel is 6ft 2. But you recognize precisely how it might have ended had any person no longer damaged them up.
THE JERRY LEE LEWIS MEMORIAL AWARD FOR BRISK DOWNWARD CAREER TRAJECTORY
Poor previous Stevie G used to be simply 14 mins clear of doing his previous membership Liverpool the mummy, father and prolonged circle of relatives of all solids. His Aston Villa workforce had been two up at Manchester City, a contribution to the name race that may have given him a minimum of a little bit closure for that slip. Three objectives in 336 seconds later, City had been forward and certs for the name. Oops, there is going that redemption! Less than 5 months later, Stevie used to be sacked, and then a former subordinate took his previous activity at Rangers. Oh Stevie. So shut but thus far, very a ways away.
THE TIM CANTERBURY AWARD FOR EXASPERATION IN AN OFFICE FULL OF CLOWNS
In his function as Rules Guy Alone in Andy’s Old Tactics Truck on BT and ITV, Peter Walton will get an terrible lot of stick for at all times agreeing with regardless of the referees have simply completed. Football Daily has once in a while joined this pile-on, for which we now really feel a powerful pang of regret. That’s as a result of we now have learned that Peter is solely agreeing with referees as a result of the ones referees are cognisant of, and are appearing accordingly upon, the regulations of the sport. That used to be by no means extra obviously illustrated when he tried to provide an explanation for the reasoning at the back of the award of Argentina’s stonewall penalty in opposition to Croatia within the Human Rights World Cup semi to a triptych of Gareth Keenans within the form of Gary Neville, Roy Keane and Ian Wright. None of them had been having it – livid previous professionals will probably be livid previous professionals – and Walton displayed exceptional composure within the face of a knowledge-lite salvo. Wait until they in finding out what Peter’s completed together with his stapler!
THE ALESSIA RUSSO AWARD FOR OTHER GREATEST MOMENT OF EURO 2022
All hail the magnificent torrent of up-in-your-grille abuse Jill Scott directed at Sydney Lohmann all through England’s win over Germany within the Wembley ultimate. ,[Eff] off you [effing] pr1ck” might glance flat at the web page when in comparison to PG Wodehouse, however infrequently it is all in regards to the state of affairs and supply. In any case, her tinder-dry research of the incident used to be definitely Jeeves-esque: “The camera angle was very unfortunate.” Scott retired from England accountability after the sport, inflicting Lohmann to ship her a video message in jest: “Good luck with your retirement, you [effing] pr1ck.” A good-natured back and forth between two friends, although for any curse-word-averse readers overcome by the vapours: role models, will somebody think of the children, moral panic, etc.
THE SCOTLAND AWARD FOR REGULAR WORLD CUP QUALIFICATION
Time was, Italy not making it to the finals was news.
THE MOLTON BROWN AWARD FOR PREMIUM SKINCARE
Frank Lampard’s voice can rarely be heard these days during post-match pressers over the furious washing of hands. But the cleaner the hands, the more pH-balanced purchase you can get while throwing players under the bus. A masterclass in dermatological deflection, from the five-goal thumping at Spurs to the twin defeats at Bournemouth, via humiliations against Leicester and Crystal Palace and everything in between. Beep beep! Hope that suspension passes the MOT! At least he kept Everton up, though reports that the club’s famous nil satis nisi optimum motto (“Nothing but the best is good enough”) is to be replaced with problemata, quae hic coram me erant, fixa pernoctare non possante (“Issues that were there before me don’t take care of themselves overnight”) remain unconfirmed for now.
THE FIREWALL FC AWARD FOR UNFORTUNATE LINGUISTIC JUXTAPOSITION
Southend United, for selling the naming rights of their West Stand to a local firm of estate agents called Gilbert and Rose. Mind how you parse that, chaps, and we’d send that via the subs bench before getting the signwriters in, if we were you.
THE NYTOL-FIFA AWARD FOR SLEEPING LIKE BABIES
This prestigious award is yet again shared by the more entrenched supporters of computation-lite powerhouses Manchester City, Chelsea, PSG and Newcastle United. Mind you, there’s a decent chance they’ll all have to budge up next year to make room for some Manchester United and Liverpool counterparts, seeing as both clubs, along with their freeholds atop the moral high ground, are now up for sale and vulnerable to folk wielding big bags of the old petro-pennies. Masterclasses in legacy-club cognitive dissonance coming right up! And on that subject…
THE QATAR 22 ATTENDEE / VIEWER / READER / REPORTER AWARD FOR MENTAL CONFLICT AND GENERAL BELIEF-ACTION DISCREPANCIES
This one goes to everyone on that party bus with fixed grins and dead eyes, insisting they were lost in the carefree celebration of a successful season. Oh Jürgen, we get what you were trying to achieve! Really we do. But the subsequent Fulham, United, Everton, Napoli, Brighton, Arsenal, Forest and Leeds results suggest your gambit to pick everyone up after that nightmare last week didn’t quite cut through.
THE SAM BANKMAN-FRIED AWARD FOR FREE-JAZZ FINANCIAL IMPROV
Barcelona: mes que un shower, Good luck in Big Vase, having bet the farm on going deep into Big Cup! At least all the games are guaranteed to be on TV. For the next 25 years. If they survive that long.
The Congressional Medal of Honor for Crying
José Mourinho cried upon winning the Tin Pot with Roma. There’s nothing wrong with that at all; in fact it’s to be commended. Let it all out, José, just like Football Daily plans to do yet again while watching the end of It’s a Wonderful Life. Even so, it’s mildly amusing to speculate what José 2004 would have felt about such a display. Contempt? Yes, contempt, almost certainly. Contempt about getting so emotional after winning a third-rate pot, that is. Not the townsfolk helping George Bailey out of a hole. We’re sure he’d have been in bits about that, just like us.
THE SUELLA BRAVERMAN AWARD FOR LEVEL-HEADED POLITICAL POSITIONS
Peter Shilton, the bizarro-world Neville Southall, had already this year gone out of his way to have a pint with Nigel Farage on GB News and announce that he’d never take the knee. Now he’s spent a recent evening berating a “Megan Markel” on social media and accusing her of “gambling each and every card together with the race card”. Aside from the fact that the Grauniad having an opportunity to pick apart your spelling is probably time to take a long look at yourself, these aren’t great optics. But why the hate, Shilts? Who or what hurt you? We can only surmise that he’s never got over that ball looping towards his penalty box in the Azteca. Every time he closes his eyes, he never gets to it first! God damn the Hand of Meg.
THE BARRY DAVIES AWARD FOR HAVING TO SAY THAT’S MAGNIFICENT
It’s such a shame, because ITV’s lead commentator’s name lends itself to a magnificent slogan that most self-promoting broadcasters would kill for: “If it comes out of Sam Matterface’s face, it issues!” But it doesn’t. The line berating poor Harry Kane for that career-defining penalty miss against France – “We needed Gary Lineker, but we got Chris Waddle” – was spectacularly unsympathetic and ill-judged, and yet also probably one of his better ones. Harry and Chris aren’t the only ones who wish the bar was set a little higher. ITV still beat BBC, though, thanks to a combination of Roy Keane’s barely suppressed apoplexies, and Ally McCoist’s actual apoplexy upon witnessing South Korea’s defending against Brazil, during which he reverted to an accent so thick that Stanley Baxter would have struggled to decipher all of the pattern. Magnificent. He really is.
BUMPER ONE-OFF FESTIVAL TV & RADIO SPECIAL: ALL THE HIGHLIGHTS FROM THE CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEAR PERIOD
Right, aye. You are joking, aren’t you?
MAIL! MAIL! MAIL!
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